The Hamster Wheel

Like the mighty phoenix
Once again I rise from the flames set to destroy me & take flight
I am Stronger
Glorious
Powerful
Victorious

Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS

I imagine that is how cancer survivors feel

After last week's disappointment I had two choices: bow in defeat or rise. I chose to rise...like the Phoenix.

"No more messing around"...That was my mantra this week as I confronted my pain and declared, "I will not go gentle into that good night."

I know I said I would never take an ice bath again, but desperate times call for squealing in ice water. Brian and I sat there, freezing our inflamed joints for 20 minutes while I read aloud the Newsweek magazine with Obama on the cover. My voice trembled as I tried to distract myself and Brian from the thoughts of ice crystals forming on our toes. We emerged numb and cold, but feeling better. The ice baths do really help, even if they are painful at first.

Due to the amount of pain I was in, I had been skipping my strength and cross training in hopes of speeding my recovery. Big mistake. I realize now, that strength and cross training are tools in speeding recovery and preventing further injury. So Monday, I worked my leg muscles with a strength training routine that our coach, Brett, showed me. Then I hit the elliptical for 30 minutes. I felt so tired, so drained, but I kept going.

I decided to skip hill repeats with the team on Wednesday and focus on getting myself running on flat ground. I went to the local park and forced my tired, sore legs to hobble at a slow, gentle jog. I had to walk for a bit to warm up, but I was able to run through the pain. It was bearable enough for me to complete 4 miles.

My confidence was coming back! I started to feel less sore as the week went on. I was eating better and getting more sleep. I realized that I needed to treat my body as an athlete's body. This means demanding better for myself. The discipline required to run this marathon has spilled out past the training days into my everyday life. I think about hydrating a day before my runs. I exchange parties for early bedtimes. Everything I do revolves around my runs. I can't believe this is me!

On Friday my sister, Diana, and her husband, Matt, flew us to Phoenix to celebrate my nephew's 1st birthday with my family. We got in at 8 pm, ate dinner and went to bed. We were up with the rugrats at 7:30 to go for our run. It was 110 degrees outside, so we had no choice but to hit the gym. That is where I found The Hamster Wheel... The tiny track squeezed the gym, requiring 12 laps to complete a mile. It laughed at us as if to say, "See if you can do this without losing count". I felt like a hamster in a wheel. During the first 3 miles, I fought off the insanity of passing the exact same point 36 times. I tried not to think that I would see the same weight set, same aerobics room, same staircase 144 times before I was through. This was a mental battle as well as a physical one. The good news was that I was running without any pain. This kept me going and pretty soon, I found my rhythm.

Brian zipped by with the occasional goose or pat on the back.
He lapped me more times than I care to mention, but I didn't mind. He inspired me to try harder.

I met a girl named Heather on the track. She was also training for an endurance run. She plans to run in the New York marathon in November. We ran together from mile 4 to mile 6. This was just what I needed to take my mind off the dizzying merry-go-round of a track we were on. I started to get more energy and felt my pace quickening. At the end of mile 6, we parted and she took on the treadmill for a while. Her timing was perfect. She got me over that hump. Thanks Heather!

At about mile #9 I started bargaining with myself. "Maybe I'll just do 10 miles," I thought. Once I got to 10, Brian ran by and asked if I was going to do 12. A breathy, "we'll see" blew out of my mouth. My legs were dumb to the running and I felt hardly any pain. My mind, however, was very aware of each lap. I developed a counting system on my fingers so I wouldn't lose track. Each lap was a step further than I thought I could go. Brian ran 14 miles in the time it took me to run 12. He actually completed his run 3 laps before mine was finished, so he ran beside me as I pushed myself past all my mental barriers. When I finally stopped, I couldn't believe what I had just done. Did I really run 12 miles?!? Why weren't my legs hurting? It was like a dream. I CONQUERED THE HAMSTER WHEEL!We left with enough energy to enjoy my nephew's first birthday party. It was a lot of fun! My sister made cakes that looked like baseballs. Jeffrey, my nephew, had cake all over his face. My niece, Sadie, and I decorated the house with streamers and balloons. Jeffrey handled himself in style. He wasn't swayed by the army of kids scampering around, popping balloons. All he cared about was mom and cake.

It was a pretty good day.

The Cheetah and The Snail

Above:
Brian and I after we got our jerseys at the May 17th kick-off meeting.
Seems so long ago!

As I hobbled into work today, I reflected back on the journey thus far. I am 2 months into training and have already had so many highs and lows. What lies ahead, I am not sure. I know how to find out, though. One foot in front of the other.

Saturday came too quickly after our first round of hill repeats on Wednesday. My knees felt like two thorny balls as I glanced out the window at the grey cotton sky. My task seemed less significant than that of my team mates. They were to run 12 miles today and I, a mere 7. I shook off the cobwebs and creaked into the kitchen to take my daily assortment of supplements and anti-inflammatories. The calcium pills we take look like suppositories, both in size and appearance. Peanut butter toast is a bit hard to chew with a mouth that is still half asleep, but the fruit helps it slide down.
Balboa Lake was overcast and cool. I could see the gratitude on my fellow runners' faces at the cooler temperatures. My trail was to be a little different than everyone else's due to the shorter mileage. I would have to swim upstream for the final two miles as everyone else took a second lap around the park. A bit of stretching and we were off!

Brian decided to stay back and run with me for the first 5 miles. He is working on his running technique, so he doesn't mind going slower. It felt so good to have him by my side as we ran. I miss out on his experiences usually because I am just not fast enough to keep up with him. Today I was slower than usual. My legs felt like they were stuck in molasses. We are like a cheetah and a snail on the trail together. The cheetah came back to bat the snail around a bit, then ran up ahead, then came back again to play.

I was talking to my body, "Go faster, legs...Stop huffing, lungs...Straighten up, spine!" All of them, lazy rebellious teenagers in the marathon lifespan, ignored my requests.

Brian literally hit an obstacle on the trail. If you want to know more about this, you'll have to read his blog. He paints quite a vivid picture.


We reached the 6 mile mark and my amazing husband and I parted ways. He was able to run at his normal pace now that the dead weight was removed. I took my bag of heavy bones back to the starting point. Other team mates seemed confused as I passed them going the wrong way. Their eyes said, "Poor girl must be lost". This didn't stop them from cheering me on as I passed! They are so supportive.

On my way back to the starting point / water stop I saw a fellow team mate, Tracy. She told me before that she thinks she is the slowest runner on the team. I don't know if that is true. What I do know, is that she has been such an inspiration to me. She and I are like the little engines that keep telling ourselves, "I think I can". She was rounding up to her second lap around. I saw her determined face and felt inspired. I decided to turn around and run next to her for a while. I suddenly forgot about all the pain I was in. I wanted nothing more than to encourage Tracy. Like me, she has dealt with a large helping of obstacles and keeps on going. We ran together for a bit and I turned around to head back again.

At the water stop I became the ice-pack clad cheerleader, welcoming my fellow runners as they turned the corner for the last stretch of the run. After the water stop, they only had 2 miles to go before they finished the big 12. I became fast friends with the water stop chief, Sue AKA Bucket. I asked her why they call her Bucket, she said it was a Vegas joke about the coin buckets. She was just adorable. She prompted us to make a tunnel for our team mates to run through as they went by.

After the running, Brian and I went home and took an ice bath. I believe it may be the last one I ever take. IT WAS SO COLD!!! This insane method was suggested to us by our coach and Brian's mentor. I suppose it was helpful, but I think I prefer ice packs. Brian didn't seem to mind it as much.

Ice and Aleve are my two new best friends. Check in with me next week, I will be up to the 9 mile marker! The rest of the team will be taking it easy and dropping down to 6 miles, so I should be able to catch up soon.

Thanks again to you all for your support. Remember, my fundraising deadline is August 1st (one week from now). I am at 1/4 my total goal, so now's the time! Some of you have chosen to split up your donations and give a little each payday. What a great idea!

Donate here

A Crossroads

"A lot of people run to see who's the fastest. I run to see who has the most guts."
-Steve Roland Prefontaine - American long distance runner

Saturday was a landmark day for me. For the first time since my injury one month ago, I ran with Team In Training! They were all set to run 10 miles. I started with 5 miles. The last time I ran, I was at 3 miles, so this was a jump for me.

As we drove to the training spot, my mind wandered. I couldn't let myself think about whether I was going to fail. I refused to think about my ankle, my knee or my ability to catch up to the team. I stared out the window thinking, "I have seen a lot of sunrises since I started training".

At the meeting place, everyone was awake and enthusiastic. We all congratulated Brian on his website. He got a 'team star' for having the best one. I beamed with pride as I watched him get one of his many moments in the sun since our training began. He is one of the fastest on the team, he has already reached his fund raising goal, and he has the best website. My husband kicks ass!

I felt encouraged by the smiling faces welcoming me back. I tried not to think about being behind. Every time Brian told me they were increasing the mileage while I was on the bike, I felt discouraged and worried that I would never catch up. This run would determine my place in this marathon. If I was unable to run over 3 miles without severe pain, I would have to consider running the half-marathon or walking. Neither of those seemed to be an option for me.

This day marked a crossroads in my training. As Robert Frost said, "Two roads diverged in a wood". Would I be able to take the one less traveled by? Or would I be forced to listen to Dr. Negativity and have to "stay off it". We crossed the street to begin the run.

I started with a pace group that ran two minutes slower than my original time. Today was about endurance, not speed. I took off with the new running technique I learned from Jeff Waldberg. I felt like I was traveling at a snail's pace. On top of that, Jeff advised me to run for 2 minutes, walk for 1 minute. I was soon behind my pace group on the path by myself with the occasional team mate running past me. I didn't even feel like I was getting a work out. My ego wanted me to GO FASTER! I resisted and kept the pre-determined pace. After two miles, I increased my run/walk ratio to 3:1. I stayed with the slower pace and found a team mate who was running at around the same speed. It was nice to be able to talk to some one while running. If I had been running at my normal pace, I would have had a more difficult time carrying on a conversation. Lauren was my running buddy and we kept each other going from mile 3 to mile 5. At the end of mile 5, I was in a little bit of pain but felt I could run more if I wanted to. I DID want to, but took the advice I got from Jeff to start small.

I hung out with our Team Captain, Susan, at the water station with a bag of ice on my ankle. It was a little puffy, but not too painful. As the other team mates started to trickle in from their 10 mile run, they still had the energy to congratulate me with tired sweaty smiles. What an awesome team. I ran half what they ran, and they congratulated me! Well, I gave congrats right back to them. 10 miles...what an accomplishment!

As we drove home, I felt calm. I wasn't celebrating the way I thought I would be. I still have a long way to go, and five weeks to catch up to the team's mileage. I am increasing my mileage by 2 per week. As the team gets higher in mileage, they will be alternating the high-mileage weeks with lower mileage weeks. So they will run 12 miles next week, then 6 miles the following week, 14 miles the next week, 6 miles the following week. This will make it possible for me to catch up!

I learned that my mind is a powerful tool in my training. I can use it to help or hinder me. Strong mind, strong muscles, strong life.

If I have obstacles...I WILL RUN!
If I have doubt...I WILL RUN!
If I am tired...I WILL RUN!
How else will I know what I am really made of?

Three Doctors, Two legs, and One Determination

Three weeks ago, I saw my doctor for my ankle injury in hopes that she would refer me to an amazing, all knowing specialist. A specialist who would tape me up, slap me on the butt and send me running again. It didn't quite work out that way...

Doctor #1
We will call her the GP for General Practitioner. She was able to see me almost right away for my ankle. In her office, she took a quick glance at my ankle after I told her of my goal to run this marathon. Without even touching it, she said I needed to see a specialist. 'Yes!' I thought. This is what I was hoping for! Referral in hand, I called the specialist to make an appointment.
"The earliest available appointment we have is July 7th", the receptionist said.
"That's three weeks from now!" I said.
"This is the earliest appointment we have".
"Ok, I will wait," I said. "He must be good if he is booked this far in advance."

Boy was I wrong!!!

Doctor #2
We will call him Dr. Negativity. He came in the office for my long anticipated appointment and didn't even look me in the eyes, much less the face. Staring at his clipboard, he asked what the problem was.

Me: I am training for a marathon and I hurt my ankle. I think it's because of my previous knee injury
Dr. Negativity: (with a nice layer of cynicism) You have a knee injury and you're running a marathon?
Me: Yeah, I'm running a marathon
Dr. Negativity: Were you a runner before this?
Me: No
Dr. Negativity: (laying it on thicker) But you're running a marathon.
Me: Yeah, Dude. I'm running a marathon!

Dr. N proceeds to fondle my ankle like it's a fish he has extreme distaste for. He asked a few times if what he was doing hurt. It didn't. He let go of my foot and started writing.

"You have an over-use injury, take Aleve and stay off it for two more weeks. After that you can run one mile, increasing it by 25% each week". When I asked about exercises I could do he said, (and I'm not exaggerating) "Do whatever doesn't hurt your ankle".

You need a degree for this? Discouraged, I walked out the door.

My trainer recommended this specialist, Jeff Waldberg. He said that this guy has performed miracles with other Team In Training participants. After researching him, I decided that he was worth the expense (my insurance won't cover it) and I set up an appointment. I was able to get in to see him within two days!

Doctor #3
He goes by Jeff and he is awesome! I came in, he listened to me and looked me in the eye. He felt my ankle and almost immediately found the tender spot in my joint. He videotaped me while I ran on the treadmill so we could analyze my running technique. After he filmed it, he put in his computer so we could measure the angles of my joints as I ran. Turns out, I was way to high on my toes when I landed. This was most likely the cause of my injury. He showed me a new technique and I ran on the treadmill again. It was completely comfortable. I felt like I could run all day! He then taped my foot and told me to get back to running. "We're not out of the woods yet," he said, "But let's try to get you past the three mile mark."

I nearly cried. I felt so elated and full of hope! If I had taken Dr. Negativity's advice, I would have been up to 8 miles by the day of the marathon. I could have kissed Jeff.

For the first time in almost a month, I am going to run with my team on Saturday! They are doing a ten-mile run, so I will go as long as I can and see how I feel.

Thank God I didn't give up. There's hope for me yet!!!